By Andrea Wachter, LMFT

One of the most important aspects of being human is the fact that we have feelings —all day long. And yet, rarely are we taught healthy ways to cope with them. Who among us learned about coping with emotions in school? And how on earth did such an important lesson get glossed over? How many of us were taught in our families that it’s healthy and healing to cry or safely express our anger? (And this is not because our parents or teachers were bad people. In most cases, it’s because they were not taught how to deal with emotions themselves!) Sure, some fortunate people had an amazing relative or teacher who was really safe and welcoming of feelings, but for the most part, that is not the common case.

Most of us were raised with well-intentioned messages to stop crying immediately (presumably so that we would feel better). Little did our innocent caregivers know that telling us not to cry, or giving us a cookie or a bottle every time we were sad, might give our little brains the message that expressing sadness is not okay and we should keep it down.

As for anger, most of us were told to go to our rooms and come out when we were ready to behave. Again, well-intentioned and likely meant to help us be good rather than what it really did — which was teach us to hold in our anger (which then leaks out later in inappropriate ways or “leaks in” on ourselves in the form of self-criticism, depression or addiction).

So what do we do with feelings if we are not going to stuff them down or blast them out in hurtful or destructive ways? How do we cope with emotions so they do not transform and manifest into addictions, anxiety or depression? Well, I’m glad you asked!

For those of you who never got the lesson on Emotions 101, here are the basics:

In the same way that there are primary colors and secondary colors, human beings have four primary emotions and many secondary ones. The four primary emotions are: sadness, anger, fear and happiness (with an array of variations on each, for example, irritation and rage are lesser and greater degrees of anger).

Our natural state is to be present and at peace. Then when a feeling arises, if we are healthy and not lost in depression, obsession or addiction, we experience and express that feeling and then return to peace and presence. Just look at children. They are in the present moment. When a feeling is triggered they may need to cry or have a tantrum. If their feelings are welcomed, acknowledged and validated, and they are done fully expressing their emotions, they move back to being present again.

Sounds simple enough, right? But coming from a culture that is addicted to the pursuit of happiness and avoidant of the more challenging emotions, most of us are taught at a very young age to stuff down our feelings. We are too often fed or given a pacifier when we are sad, or scolded and sent to our rooms when we are mad. So many of us have been taught that there are good and bad feelings when in truth, all feelings are natural and need to be expressed safely. And when they are, they naturally move through us. It’s when we stuff them down and/or blast them out that we end up getting into trouble. (And by trouble, I mean feeling depressed, obsessed or addicted to something.)

Depression, anxiety, addiction and obsessive thinking are all good attempts to avoid and distract from feelings but in the long run, they don’t work. Letting out our feelings in a safe manner is what helps us move through them and return to peace. It’s healing and natural to express our feelings. In fact, crying has proven health benefits. Scientists have examined and compared the tears that are produced by onions with the tears that are produced by emotions. While the tears caused by onions were made of 98 percent water, the tears that were caused by emotions contained actual toxins. So crying is actually one way the body has of healing itself. When you allow yourself to cry, you are releasing and relieving yourself of toxins! Crying also helps to remove chemicals and hormones that are stored in our body from stress. That’s why people will sometimes say they feel relieved after letting themselves cry.

Of course it’s not easy or fun to cry or to be angry, but it is essential in order to achieve emotional health. The need to express feelings is as natural as having to go to the bathroom. If we have a feeling and we hold it in, then we are not going to feel well or be well. Many of us treat our feelings as if they need to be figured out or fixed. What they really need is to be welcomed and felt.

We basically have three options once we identify that we are having a feeling:

1. We can implode (i.e., stuff it down, avoid it or pretend it’s not there).
2. We can explode (i.e., blast it out disrespectfully or destructively).
3. We can express it safely and appropriately.

Too often, we tell ourselves that we shouldn’t have our feelings or that we shouldn’t bother anyone with them. We judge ourselves as weak. We tell ourselves we can’t talk about it or that we don’t know how. So many of us then end up using substances or obsessing on something or going into a dark place of depression in attempt to distract and numb ourselves from the feeling or in an attempt to get some comfort for it. This might work temporarily, as most distractions do, but then we end up with the same original feelings inside, plus on top of that, feeling badly about ourselves or our behavior (or lack of behavior, in the case of depression).

So let’s say you decide you want to learn how to have a healthier relationship to your emotions. What to do next? There are basically two parts: One part is about is how you let them out and the other part is about what you put back in.

In order to let your feelings out, it is important to find safe people to take your feelings to. A safe person is someone you feel accepted by and comforted from, whether that is a professional, a friend or a family member — and eventually, yourself!

The second part is learning to receive kindness, compassion and comfort for your feelings. We need to receive comfort not only from others but from ourselves as well.

It’s important to know that all emotions come in waves. Sometimes small, manageable waves. Sometimes medium-sized, and sometimes, big tidal waves. The next time you experience a wave of emotion, see if you can tell yourself that it will pass. Try saying something soothing, nurturing and comforting to yourself and/or doing something soothing (and non-harmful) for yourself. This could be talking with someone you feel safe with, journaling, drawing or creating some art to express how you feel. The key here is to find the emotion inside of you and see how it would want to come out (safely).

The more compassionate and kind you are toward yourself when you are having feelings, the sooner and more successfully those feelings will move through you. And once you are comfortable with all your emotions, there is no longer anything to avoid or fear. Whatever the feeling is, you welcome it up and return to peace and presence until the next wave comes.

We all need a safe port in a storm so that when life gets hard, we have someplace to land. For many, their “safe” place to land is obsessive thinking or checking out in some way. When you can turn to internal soothing and external support, then you always have truly safe places to land that do not leave you feeling worse afterward. And you will have learned the most important lesson in life: how to reveal and heal what you feel.

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By Andrea Wachter, LMFT

I used to be a perfectionist. Actually, it would be more accurate to say I was a black-belt perfectionist! Not that I ever came close to being perfect, but I had an internal program that told me I should be. My quest for perfection didn’t make me perfect, but it did bring me a whole lot of misery. Every time I did or said something that I thought I shouldn’t have, I beat myself up: I can’t believe I said that! How can I ever let this go? What will they think of me now? I think I really blew it this time!

I know now that I was not alone. Perfectionism is rampant in our image-obsessed, achievement-driven culture. Those of us who buy into the notion that we should constantly be doing more and achieving more tend to believe we’ve failed when our efforts are anything less than exemplary. I have nothing against self-improvement, but when we don’t deprogram ourselves from perfectionism, it doesn’t matter how many improvements we make. It will never be enough. This is because perfect is not only impossible, it’s un-human.

A lot of my clients tell me, “I’m not a perfectionist! I am far from perfect.” To me, the definition of a perfectionist is not someone who does everything perfectly. (If that were the case it would rule out, umm… everyone!) I define a perfectionist as someone who thinks they should be doing everything perfectly.

Now that I’m on the other side of perfectionism (many years and tears later), I can’t exactly say I’m thrilled when I make a mistake, but I no longer expect myself not to. These days, I refer to myself as a recovering perfectionist and I have the honor of helping my clients put down their internal whips and embrace the notion of being perfectly imperfect.

Not only does perfectionism make us miserable on the inside, it also it makes it hard to live life on the outside. How satisfying is it to be a student when nothing less than an A is acceptable? How hard is it to enjoy a sport or a hobby when nothing less than a perfect score or outcome will do? And how hard is it to be in relationships when we are unable to receive feedback without crumbling or getting defensive?

When we’re in perfectionist mode, it certainly doesn’t make our relationships perfect. In fact, it makes them very difficult since our standards are so unrealistic. But when we allow ourselves to be imperfect, others can speak their truth without worrying that we will be crushed or retaliate. When someone tells us that something we did felt hurtful or hard for them, we can hear it, take it in, and either apologize or discuss it without thinking we (or they) are unacceptable. And when we let go of perfection in ourselves and we don’t expect or demand it from others, it makes life a whole lot sweeter for everyone.

I remember the first time I realized I was no longer a perfectionist. I was spending the day with a friend and she told me that something I’d said had hurt her feelings. My immediate thought was not the usual, Uh, oh! I’ve ruined the friendship! And I didn’t experience the usual pit in my stomach caused by my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. Instead, I thought, It’s okay. I don’t have to be perfect. I calmly told my friend that I was so sorry that I hurt her feelings. I even thanked her for telling me.

Whew! What a relief. Life is so much easier without having to strive for unattainable goals. For you Eagles fans out there, you might remember their classic song, called Already Gone. One line from the song has stuck with me for decades because it highlights a truth that is so… dare I say, perfect in its wisdom. Even if you’ve never heard the song, the line is still profound (cue electric guitar here): “So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.”

One key to feeling free is to break loose from the chains of perfectionism. Our culture, families, teachers, coaches, or innate drive may have instilled the need to be perfect, but it is within our power to let go of that need. We hold the key.

So here are some tested guidelines from a recovering perfectionist:

• Let go of the notion that you need to be perfect and instead strive for making peace with imperfection.
• Acknowledge that letting go of perfection does not mean you’re a slacker. You can motivate yourself with kindness, joy, passion, creativity, responsibility, and devotion — rather than a self-defeating obsession with being perfect.
• Learn to see yourself as having innate value as a person, regardless of what you accomplish.
• Notice how you can love others, even though they are imperfect, and see if you can begin to do the same for yourself.

Try this exercise:

First, repeat the following sentence a few times and notice how it feels: I need to be perfect.

What thoughts or feelings come up? How does it feel in your body to repeat that sentence?

Now, try repeating I don’t have to be perfect.

How do you feel when you say that?

When we walk around all day telling ourselves we blew it or are not good enough or that we should be perfect, we are reciting what I call nah-firmations (the unhealthy alternative to affirmations). It’s like trying to grow a plant by feeding it poison. How about feeding yourself some human Miracle-Gro and uploading a new message that will truly set you free. As the Eagles sang so beautifully, we have the key!

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By Andrea Wachter, LMFT

“I shouldn’t have said that.” “I shouldn’t have done that.” “I shouldn’t have eaten that.”

These are common phrases I hear from clients in my counseling practice. So many people are so hard on themselves so much of the time, believing that self-criticism will help them attain their goals. Many of us have all been raised with a “no pain, no gain” attitude. Our plugged-in culture runs at such an unnaturally fast pace that it’s led to an epidemic of stress, anxiety, and depression.

Many of my clients think that self-berating will get them in line or keep them in line. Many people fear that if they stopped beating themselves up or being really hard on themselves, they would never get anything done. Is self-hate really an effective motivator? Can’t we motivate ourselves with kindness, passion, or encouragement?

I work with people in all walks of life– nurses, doctors, personal trainers, teachers, etc. — and I often ask them if they speak to their patients, clients, or students the way they speak to themselves. They wouldn’t dare. They’d likely be fired if they did, not to mention that they often view others which such different standards and with so much more compassion than they do themselves. Why do so many of us feel compassion and kindness toward others but then turn inward with a whip of self-criticism and perfectionism?

Many of us were raised with the belief that if we were kind to ourselves and liked or even loved ourselves, we would be conceited. But is that true? Can we upgrade the program on that one and all agree that self-care and kindness is not necessarily self-grandiosity and entitlement?

When someone lives with the internal program of “shoulding” or self-criticism and perfectionism, what usually ends up happening is that they are either anxious about getting things done and getting them done perfectly, (a thankless, never-ending job since none of us is perfect!) or they end up burning out or rebelling and are unable to get things done at all. This often leads to feeling depressed because they can’t keep up with their self-imposed rules, regulations, and expectations.

So where does all this “shoulding” leave us? Some people “should” on themselves regularly with high, unrealistic expectations. They are very driven, perfectionistic, achievement-oriented, and outer goal-focused; a human doing rather than a human being.

Others fall into the opposite extreme of the spectrum and find it hard to get much of anything done. They struggle with procrastination and then beat themselves up about it. They struggle with depression and feel badly because they can’t get themselves to do what they set out to do.

Then there are those who bounce back and forth between anxiety and depression. They may also “should” on themselves but then rebel and can’t seem to get themselves motivated. I used to be a “bouncer.” I was either gung-ho on some new fad diet or completely (and understandably) binge eating. I was either totally into some new Jane Fonda workout or I couldn’t get myself off the couch. I was swearing off alcohol or all-out partying. (I wasn’t a big fan of moderation, you might say!)

So, if listening to your harsh mind messages is one option and shutting down and feeling badly about yourself is the other, you may not realize there is a door number three. Door number three is following your heart. It’s making your choices out of love and kindness and what feels the most right to you, rather than making your choices because of a self-imposed whip or rebelling from the self-berating and going on strike.

I’ve heard it said that the longest 12 inches is from the head to the heart. The heart is a loving voice. It’s our intuition, the part of us that is compassionate and kind. It can be hard to hear that voice if it’s being drowned out by the megaphone of the mind. A kind voice is in there though– we all have it.

We were not born shoulding on ourselves. We learned every internal rule we have. Fortunately, we can unlearn them. We can learn to delete the harsh messages in our minds the same way we can delete a virus from our computer. We can upload new, kinder messages. We can get things done from a place of balance and sanity. We can rest in a place of peace, relaxation, and self-worth.

See if you can pause throughout the day for a few moments and ask your heart rather than your head: What feels right for me in this moment? I promise you will still get things done. It just won’t be from an anxious place of trying to prove you are worthy or a depressed place of thinking you aren’t.

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By Andrea Wachter, LMFT

Most people walk around lost in thought. It can be very enticing to spend the majority of our time thinking about the past or the future, and as a result, miss out on the present moment (otherwise known as reality!) Many years ago, when I began to read books on the topic of mindfulness, it was like someone took a bag off my head. I hadn’t realized how much time I lost to being lost in thought. I have authors like Eckhart Tolle and Leonard Jacobson to thank for the “bag lifting” and I now spend many more moments of my life in the presence. I also have the honor of teaching my clients and students the simple tools that I have been taught.

Walking around lost in our minds is like mistaking a movie for reality. And whether our “mind movie” is an exciting fantasy or a dreaded horror story, it is not actually real. When you are actually watching a movie in a theatre, it’s pretty safe to say you know the movie you’re watching is not real and the chair you’re sitting on, the sticky floor beneath your feet, and the tub of popcorn on your lap are real. Unfortunately, when it comes to our mind movies (aka our thoughts), we tend to lose our logic and truly believe that our imagination and our perceptions are real.

Upon learning this, many people tell me they enjoy their fantasies, and that fantasizing gives them hope. That’s fine, but I think it’s important to know that most fantasies end with pain, due to the fact that reality sets in. And in reality, everything is temporary and has its ups and downs. Fantasies lead us to think that reality is not sufficient. And even if a fantasy does come true, it will not likely go the way the mind movie promises or end the way the Hollywood movie ends.

Take romantic relationships for example, one of the bestselling mind movie topics. Someone might fantasize about a new relationship and think they will be so happy when they get one. They might spend countless hours feeling dissatisfied with their life as a single person. Then, when they finally do get into a relationship, they do not generally say, “Ahhhhhhh this is it. This is what I always dreamed of.” (At least not for very long!) This is because reality sets in and in reality there are challenges. However, if we are able to remember that our mind movies and expectations were just fantasies and ideas, we can be in a better position to work with reality and make it as healthy as it can possibly be.

All this is not to say that there is anything wrong with having a goal or obtaining new things, new relationships and new experiences. This is to say that when we spend vast amounts of time fantasizing about some future person or event making us happy, we usually do not end up staying happy for very long. Mind movies prevent us from living in the present moment and set us up for constant disappointment. This is because no one is happy all the time and everything has its ups and downs and everything by nature is temporary.

The good news is that if we can live more in the present, enjoying the sweet moments and enduring the challenging ones, we can learn to live our lives in reality, rather than being lost in fantasy. More good news is that once we really know and remember that everything is temporary and has pros and cons, we know that there is no where to arrive and we can learn to simply be which makes life a lot calmer, easier, and more peaceful. This sounds simple but those movies of the mind can be extremely habitual and enticing.

In order to live more in reality, we need to keep our eyes open for the movies that are playing in the theatre of our minds.

There are basically four “movies” our busy little minds tend to play (and replay). Some people hang out mostly in one or two; some bounce around all four. See which one sound most familiar to you.

Showing in theatre #1 we have, Future Happiness. This movie theme sounds like, “I will be so happy when…” “It will be so great if…” or “I hope… happens.”

Then playing on screen #2 is, Future Fear. This script is more like, “I hope … doesn’t happen,” “What if… happens?” or “It will be so horrible if…”

Moving back to the past, we have on screen #3, Past Longings. Included soundtracks are, “It was so great when…” “I wish I could go back to….” or “I was so happy when…”

And finally, playing in theatre #4 is, Past Regrets. Here, the common tracks are, “I can’t believe I…” “If only I had done…” “I wish I had… instead.”

While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a fond memory or looking forward to a future event, when we spend our time primarily lost in mind movies, we live in pain, anxiety, depression, or regret and we miss out on our actual lives.

Just like the weather, actual reality is an ever-changing variety of experiences. Reality can be wonderful, but it can also be painful, and sometimes just plain ordinary. But it is reality. Once we truly know this, we get to choose if we are going to live in an unreal movie with its false promises and horrifying predictions or if we are going to live in actual, factual reality. We get to decide if we are going to enjoy a spring day when it’s lovely outside or dread the winter days ahead. We get to decide if we are going to curse the current storms or accept them, knowing that hating the weather will not change it, it will only change our levels of acceptance and peace.

See if you can begin to catch yourself when you realize you’re lost in a mind movie. Praise yourself for being aware enough to catch it and then bring yourself back to something in the present moment. It might be as ordinary as the chair you are sitting in. It might be as lovely as the sun setting in front of you. It might be experiencing a painful emotion about something that just happened. It might be your body breathing.

Remember that all feelings and experiences pass, both the sweet and the sour. But mind movies are set for continuous re-runs. So, try asking yourself from time to time: Am I in a made-up mind movie right now am I here with what is actually here?

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