By Andrea Wachter, LMFT

It’s human nature to worry. Having spent a lot of my time lost in the depths of worry, I’ve often wondered if it’s actually useful.

When it comes to worries, I like to distinguish between spinning and solving. Spinning is when our minds weave their fearful futuristic “what ifs” and there’s really no productive or effective outcome. Our nervous systems take the brunt of the worrisome webs our minds spin and nothing really gets resolved.

Solving, as opposed to spinning, is when we bring conscious awareness to the content of our worries and determine if there’s something we can actually do to address the situation, either internally through self-compassion and soothing self-talk, or externally with some type of action or realistic preparation.

These days, there’s certainly no shortage of issues we could worry about—from personal to global. Besides being natural and completely understandable to worry about people and situations we care about, for the most part, worry doesn’t help us navigate difficult situations.

Thoughtful planning and action can help. Asking someone else for help can help. Offering support or resources can help. Sometimes, deciding to let go and focus on the present moment can help. And sometimes, asking an invisible force that’s bigger than our minds and the material world can help.

Author and teacher, Eckhart Tolle says, “Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.”

Worry sure does pretend to be necessary and useful. In my therapy practice, I’ve worked with many people who struggle with worry— some part-time, some full-time. When we take a deeper look at their relationship to worry, I often notice a theme. A lot of people think that worrying will somehow protect them from or prepare them for painful situations that may or may not happen in the future. But does it really?

Worry doesn’t tend to prepare us for the future. It robs us of the present. Worrying is like trying to prevent something hard from happening in the future while causing something hard to happen in the present— worry. Worry is stressful and it’s hard work. We might tell ourselves that the right amount of worrying will help us get through a future hardship or disaster, but worry typically doesn’t have that kind of power.

I’m not suggesting that all worries could or should be ignored. Sometimes our worries are a natural result of care and concern and they need to be honored and met with compassion. Sometimes a worry might be indicating a need for an action step or a realistic preventative measure. If you’re worried about a physical issue, it might make sense to see a medical professional. If you’re worried about the state of your marriage, you might decide to see a couples counselor. If a big storm is predicted in your area, loading up on groceries and batteries might help, but worrying won’t. Unless you’re taking steps to actively do something about an issue or event that you’re worried about, worry isn’t actually helpful.

So, what does worry do? Worry makes our bodies feel as if the circumstances we’re worried about are actually happening, when in most cases they’re not. After experiencing my first big earthquake, I found myself frequently worrying about there being another one. Every little jolt, door slam, foot stomp, or thunderstorm sent me into a tizzy. Not to mention the quiet times my mind decided to get a jump on things and just plain worry without any noise or shake whatsoever. I realized after a while that if another earthquake actually happened, I wouldn’t have time to worry. I’d head to the nearest door or react in whatever way I managed to at the time. Worrying now won’t help me then. Canned goods, batteries, and bottled water might. But not worry.

So, I began to thank my mind for trying to anticipate and prepare for every possible future catastrophic quake. I began to reassure myself that I was actually safe in the moment. And, I continued my resolve to spend more time in reality and deal with life’s challenges when they actually arrived, rather than allow my mind to continuously create them in an ineffective attempt to prevent and prepare for them. Of course, like any change, this takes practice. It takes practice to have our wise, grounded, present selves be in charge rather than our primitive limbic systems. Fortunately, we get better at what we practice.

Even though worry feels like serious business, a sense of humor can help sometimes too. I remember a session with a client who was preparing to travel abroad for a few months. She was excited for the opportunity to travel, but she was also very worried about going off to a foreign country. She said, “I’m worried that my anxiety will ruin my trip.” Then she laughed and playfully said, “I’m worried about ruining my trip and I’m actually ruining my day by worrying about being worried!”

Another client was facing a frightening medical procedure. She spent months worrying about how much the procedure would hurt and how long it would take to heal. She worried about having to go through it all again if her condition didn’t improve. The dreaded day finally came and went. She later told me that the procedure wasn’t nearly as bad as she’d anticipated. She talked about how many months she spent worrying about the pain compared to how many minutes the actual pain lasted and she was amazed. When she began to talk about how much time she’d “wasted” worrying, I told her that the time wouldn’t be a waste if she could use it as a reminder to stay more conscious of her mind movies. We made a plan for her to increase her awareness of when her mind began spinning out on worries. She could then soothe her worries, like she might soothe an anxious child. She could ask herself if there were any realistic action steps to be taken. And she could gently redirect her worried mind back to the present moment.

I think we can all use this lesson. We can deal with the challenging parts of life when they actually occur, or we can deal with them in our minds constantly and also when they occur.

Nowadays, there’s plenty of grist for the worry mill. Personally, I could lock and load my worry full-time if I’m not careful, conscious, and in charge of who’s steering this tender ship. But I am. I realize every day that worrying about war, climate, school shootings, health, or my loved ones is not going to keep something really hard from happening. Worrying only makes my nervous system feel like the hard things are happening now.

So, if you are a periodic or perpetual worrier, try asking yourself: Is this worry actually helping me or anyone else? Is there some action I could take to prepare for this worrisome possibility? Can I soothe my worried mind and encourage it to loosen its well-intended grip? Can I reassure myself that whatever challenges life brings, I will handle them in the best ways that I can at that time?

And then, ever so gently, reel ourselves back from the not-now and into now.

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By Andrea Wachter, LMFT

Tantrums are usually associated with children and are often considered unpleasant and unwanted. But what if we could welcome and accept tantrums the same way we do stormy days? And what if tantrums weren’t just for kids? Couldn’t we all use a healthy, conscious, grown-up tantrum sometimes?

Our emotions appear like weather patterns. We just get to choose whether we judge them, numb them, lash them out at others, or responsibly allow them up and out.

When I was studying to become a psychotherapist, a professor once told me that people generally seek therapy for one of two reasons: They’re either having a tantrum or they need to have one. I’ve actually counseled people for many additional reasons, but my teacher’s tantrum theory stuck with me over the years. As I‘ve worked with many clients (as well as myself), I’ve recognized the importance of an occasional adult tantrum.

We all experience bumps in the road that trigger emotions. These bumps can range from minor irritations to challenging hardships to major traumas.

A flat tire, a root canal, lost luggage: not fun, but likely something you’ll get over fairly quickly. Your child’s difficulties in school, a rough patch at work, financial problems, marital problems: these can get you down for months. And then there are those life-changing, sucker-punch events that can knock us down for the count: a cancer diagnosis, the death of a loved one, an unwanted divorce, a natural or unnatural disaster. Personally, I’d like to speak to the manager in charge of doling these out, but there’s no escaping the fact that they are part of the human experience.

Obviously, minor glitches are easier to deal with and recover from, but what about those ongoing stressful circumstances or the overwhelming realities we have to bear that truly feel unbearable?

How can we allow and express our natural emotions so that we don’t have to implode and hurt ourselves or explode and hurt others? This is where a self-induced, responsible tantrum comes in.

I remember a time many years ago when my little nephew (now a grown man with a child of his own) came over for a sleepover. We’d just finished a fun day at an amusement park and I informed him that it was time to leave. He was not at all happy about this new development in our day and he proceeded to have a full-on tantrum.

Being a new therapist (not to mention an aunt, which is infinitely less challenging than a parent), I told him it was fine for him to have his feelings, but we were still going to need to head home in a few minutes.

Well, have his feelings he did. That boy let it rip. He proceeded to fling his little body onto the ground, kick, scream, and roll around in the dirt. After what felt like a really long time (but was probably about a minute), he picked himself up, walked over to me, and with a tear-stained, dirty little face said, “I was mad. And then I was sad. Now I’m ready to go.”

Out of the mouths of babes.

In the therapy world, we might refer to my nephew’s actions as “fully expressing your feelings” or going through one or more of the natural stages of grief. Practically speaking, a healthy, grown-up tantrum can look like many things: hitting a punching bag, mattress, or pillow, talking about your feelings with someone who’s comfortable with emotions, crying, wailing, screaming, shaking, writing, drawing, or scribbling. Anything your body wants to do to express your emotions, as long as nobody (including yourself) and nothing of value gets hurt.

A friend of mine will occasionally email me a long string of curse words when life throws her a doozy. No spaces. Just one long string of words. She takes several of her favorite curse words and merges them into one very long word to emphasize her feelings. Depending on the difficulty of the situation and her level of emotions, several or more exclamation points might follow it up. This seems to do the trick for her.

If it’s not practical or possible to have a tantrum out loud, we can also have one in our imaginations. A client recently told me about a night when she’d been struggling with insomnia. She tried her usual list of calming tools—meditation, counting breaths, repeating a mantra—but nothing seemed to help. She knew she was filled with feelings and felt like she was about to burst.

Then, she remembered a time when she’d had a responsible tantrum during one of our sessions and how it really released the internal pressure valve. In my office, she’d hit a chair with a tennis racquet and screamed into a pillow, but here she was in the middle of the night next to a sleeping husband, next door to a sleeping child. So, she decided to imagine her tantrum. She pictured herself screaming at the top of her lungs and throwing around mattresses. Lots of mattresses. She said it really helped and she was eventually able to get back to sleep.

Whatever your choices of expression are, when you consciously, responsibly, unabashedly, compassionately, and safely allow yourself to have an adult tantrum, you’re more likely to move through your emotions and organically arrive at some form of relief and acceptance.

Of course, the more serious the life event, the longer the tantrum may need to last and reoccur. But, we all have the options of stuffing our feelings down, blasting them out in unhealthy ways, or fully expressing what we feel in a healthy manner and eventually coming to accept what life has brought to our door.

When we compassionately and safely allow ourselves to express our strong emotions, we can navigate the turbulent phases of life without hurting ourselves or anyone else. We naturally return to acceptance and presence rather than stay stuck in denial, depression, anxiety, addiction, or self-defeating behaviors.

So, the next time you feel filled to the brim with feelings, how about letting yourself have a healthy, safe, responsible tantrum? How about some extra support, extra tissues, and extra self-care, until your tear-stained self is ready to move on?

May we all, in the face of our adversities, follow in the footsteps of my young nephew: feel mad, feel sad, and then feel ready to go.

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By Andrea Wachter, LMFT

I spent many years struggling with depression. After learning some important tools that helped me heal, I became passionate about helping others do the same. If you are feeling depressed, I hope these ideas can help you too.

1.  Catching ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts)

We generally don’t have a choice about the types of thoughts that pop up on the screen of our minds. They are usually a result of our personality traits, life experiences, and how we process what happens to us. But we do have a choice about whether we become aware of our thoughts, and what we do next.

When someone is struggling with depression, their thoughts tend to be quite negative, hopeless, and self-critical. This makes it especially important to increase our awareness of the nature of our thoughts.

Tip: If you become aware of a thought that seems unkind or unhelpful, rather than automatically believing it or staying lost in its trance, try praising yourself for becoming aware of your thoughts.

2. Upgrading Unkind Thoughts 

Once you become aware of an unkind or unhelpful thought and praise yourself for breaking the trance and catching it, you are ready for an internal upgrade. Depending on how long you’ve believed a thought and how depressed you feel, it might take some time (and support!) to do successful upgrades. But since we get better at what we practice, with willingness and time, you can improve the quality of your thoughts.

When I was in the grips of depression, my mind was regularly playing and replaying unkind and unhelpful thoughts. A typical train of thought went something like this: I’m too sensitive to handle life. I’m not cut out for this. Things are never going to get better.

Not exactly an Oprah pick-me-up! My upgraded thoughts sounded more like I can handle what happens. Everyone has struggles. I am capable of change. I can do things to improve my life.

I learned that even if I didn’t believe my kinder thoughts at first, it was an upgrade in the system and I had to start somewhere. Eventually, I came to believe that there was nothing inherently wrong with me, other than my belief that there was something wrong with me! I learned that self-criticism helped me fall into the pit of depression and self-compassion would help me climb out.

Tip: Once you catch an unkind thought and praise yourself for catching it, try on a new thought that is either kind, or at least not unkind. If you have difficulty, you can imagine how you might speak to a child or a dear friend if they told you they were thinking the same way you’ve been thinking.

3. Distinguish Thoughts From Feelings

Sometimes our depressive thoughts can be so strong and persistent that they can drown out our emotions. Then, important emotions that need attention and compassion get pressed down, or depressed. Learning to identify our emotions and offer them kindness and warmth is a very important aspect of depression relief.

Usually, feelings are one word: sad, mad, scared, lonely, etc. Thoughts are generally sentences, sometimes serious run-on ones! Once you identify your feelings, you can practice offering them the same compassion you might offer someone you care about. If you haven’t been on the receiving end of compassion very often, this might be challenging at first. You can begin by trying on sentences like this: Of course, I feel this way. It makes perfect sense that I feel this way. I deserve compassion, not shame. 

Tip: Practice identifying your feelings. Here is a list in case you get stuck. Then, internally or in writing, respond to your feelings compassionately and see what you notice.

4. Do the Opposite of Depression’s Suggestions

As a psychotherapist, I often encourage people to follow their hearts and listen to their intuition. That is, unless they are depressed. This is because when we are depressed, we are not always in the best position to make wise decisions regarding self-care. My “voice of depression” used to advise me to isolate, stay in bed all day, oversleep, restrict my food intake, binge eat, or give up.

I had to learn to do the opposite of what that internal voice was telling me to do. I had to learn that when I was depressed and thought I should isolate, I needed to do exactly the opposite: reach out to a friend or therapist or attend a support group.

When the voice of depression told me to watch TV all day, I had to push myself to take a walk, read or listen to something inspirational. When depression told me to skip breakfast, I needed to do the opposite and eat a nutritious meal rather than set myself up for yet another episode of uncontrollable overeating, followed by even deeper depression.

Unfortunately, depression can zap the energy we need to do the very things that will make us feel less depressed. So learning to do the opposite of what the voice of depression suggests can feel like climbing uphill at first, but with time, our bodies and our voice of wisdom get stronger.

Tip: Stay on the lookout for negative thoughts that contribute to depressive behaviors, or that encourage you to neglect or be unkind to your body. Try doing the opposite (or the kindest action you can think of), even for a short time, and build the muscle of self-care.

5. Finding Safe Support 

Not everyone understands depression and knows how to respond in ways that feel helpful, but many people do. If you are struggling with depression, it’s so important to find safe support. The voice of depression might try to convince you that nobody will understand you, but that is just one voice, and it’s not true.

Remember doing the opposite of depression’s suggestion? If depression is trying to convince you that no one can help and there is no hope, it is lying to you. There are people who can help, and there is hope. It might take some trial and effort to find the right person (or people), but they do exist.

I remember reaching out to a friend during one of my darkest days and telling her how low I felt and how dark my thoughts were, and she simply did not get it. She remained totally silent, and I left our conversation feeling even worse. But I didn’t give up, and eventually, I found a therapist who totally understood me. I also began to gather tools that really helped, and now I share these depression relief tools with others.

It’s so important to find people who treat you with kindness, compassion, and non-judgmental understanding. Eventually, you can learn how to treat yourself that way as well.

Tip: If you are searching for a therapist, consider someone with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) skills as well as mindfulness training. CBT will help you learn to challenge and change your unhelpful thoughts, and mindfulness will help you quiet your mind.

6. One Chapter is Not the Entire Book

When someone is depressed, it’s tempting to think that this is the way it will always be. But life has many chapters, and we don’t get to know what the next one will be if we give up on ourselves. I remember a client who spent years comparing herself to her seemingly happily married friends and feeling desperately lonely and depressed.

Despite my weekly reminders that life stories can change, she was convinced hers wouldn’t. But her story did change. She is now married and enjoying her new chapter in life. Additionally, a few of her previously “perfect and happily married” friends are now divorced. We all experience challenging chapters in our lives, just as we all experience change. Even if our life circumstances don’t change, if our minds change, everything can change. This is why some people have what is seemingly a dreary job and claim to be the happiest people on the planet, while others have literal fame and fortune and struggle with depression and addictions.

Tip: Remember that storms pass, feelings pass, situations pass. Some may feel stronger and last longer than others, but things pass.

If you are battle weary from depression, I hope you will stay on the lookout for any unkind or unhelpful thoughts. Praise yourself if you catch one, and upgrade to a kinder thought. Practice identifying your feelings and offering them compassion. If you have difficulty, imagine how you might speak to a child or a dear friend or wish someone would speak to you. Practice doing the opposite of what the voice of depression suggests. Reach out to safe support people and see how the next chapter unfolds.

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